Mystic River

Believe it or not this was an actual question I had when I first started creating adult videos. When I first started my career, I was still a fearful Christian, I attended a southern Baptist school for two years of my life and spent my childhood growing up in my small town southern Baptist church, that was mostly filled of my family members. This institution in me is what took me so long to accept who I was deep down, especially when it came to my sexuality. For years I hated myself for looking at women the way I did men. I hated how much I wanted to scissor another girl with all of our juices mixing and the pure intensity of it. I thought of myself as dirty and disgusting for my vulgar tastes. I kept my tastes to as minimal of a level as I could growing up, but it came through. Eventually it came to a point where when I was alone and horny, lesbian porn was my crown jewel. Lesbian porn was soon the only thing to make me cum as a teenager when I was desperate and alone. Pushback came from every angle in my life. I remember so fondly the first time I was made fun of in the 3rd grade because the words “I think girls are pretty” slipped out of my tightly shut mouth. This led to months of teasing and jokes that made me feel alone and different from the rest. I felt so insecure and so abnormal I vowed that would be the last time I publicly announced how I felt inside. It wasn’t much longer until I was in the 6th grade and at a very candy filled party, the jokes began being made where I liked girls a little too much. The whole night I was isolated and tossed to the side from fear of weird attractions. The other girls wanted to be nowhere near me and actively said “EW!!” over and over. Alone again and afraid of myself, I felt even more ashamed. Why couldn’t I just be like everyone else? Why was I this disgusting creature that couldn’t stop the thoughts of warm women entering my head? Why was I so gross I thought. This is the relationship I had with myself, and it only got worse. As I got more active in my teenage years towards high school, I kept myself constantly entertained with the sexual attention of boys. If I couldn’t satisfy what really ached, I’d give it the second best. This is when I started to become very open about my body and my sexuality towards the boys. I outwardly showed my slutty personality to everyone because it was only being presented as a boy crazy girl who went the extra mile and was confident in her sexuality. I let rumors be spread about me. I joked with the boys about fun sexual conquests, eventually leading to my first strictly sexual relationship in only sophomore year. I was so proud of myself for achieving the top of my interest at the time. I found a tall, dominant, total jerk kind of guy with a big S.U.V. to play with. I let him do all kinds of things to me, in public and not. In public such as school or with his friends, he treated me like a sexual toy, which I thrived off of. I needed someone to see my sexual side and how daring I was for it. I needed to be seen for who I was deep down and at the time that was it. In private we held brief intimate conversations and more spanking and roughness than words could say. I always left his house a dick-drunk, bruised in all the right places, dazed slut. I felt so accomplished those many nights my sophomore year after being dropped off, that dire hunger feeling somewhat satisfied. And in me I felt in control of my sexual self. For months this purely sexual relationship brewed. By going to a smaller school, it didn’t take long for people to notice who was giving me rides home from school, and our small arguments in the hallway when one or the other pissed us off. We were unconventional but together in some fucked up way, which honestly made me feel more myself than any regular, stable relationship could have at that time. I needed the unstableness; I needed tension and adultness if that makes sense. At this age I was finally feeling free in myself and hungry to act on this freedom, so being in an unconventional, sexual, and seemingly “adult” relationship made me feel like I was on the right track to becoming more independent and more sexual than ever. After a while, it was more known than it wasn’t, we were fucking. At lunch we sat back-to-back at the two round tables atop the lunchroom. He with his group of boys and me with my group of girls. We’d joke sometimes during lunch, talk, or argue too. But I remember one lunch in particular where I was wearing a very, very low top accompanied by a push up bra. I was arguing with him about giving me a ride home. He was being cocky in front of his friends and said, “only if you give me road head”. I looked at all of his friends intently waiting on my answer, “fuck you” I said and turned myself around. “Yeah, you said that last night!” he yelled from behind, a small smile creeped across my face. Yes, I did say that last night, and would again, but now our circles really knew. They knew before but we were actively showing it now. My friends laughed at me and also gave me some slight judgemental glares from acting out. I was definitely the most wild of my group and most outgoing sexually at the school, but I was okay with that, proud even. The next thing I knew I felt my man’s large and forceful hands on me whipping me around to face him and shoving a piece of paper between my breast, then thrusting me back around to face my friends. Unsure of what just happened, all I could think about was his force on my body, his eyes on mine as his lust drove him wild, and his hands so forcefully down my shirt at our school. I was stunned by his boldness and super turned on. I reached down to discover what was in my shirt, it was a small paper that read: “Beg for it”. I smiled from ear to ear. I was so happy this was happening and to me of all people! I collected myself and turned around, he wasn’t paying attention he’d already moved on to the next topic. But I reached my hand over and pulled him by his shirt to face me, face to face, breath on breath I whispered, “Please sir, please give me a ride”. We both laughed lustfully with devious grins, it was on. God, I loved that first situation-ship of mine, it made me feel so alive and so connected to myself from that age. It was during this relationship I learned that I was a submissive, no matter how independent I was outside of the bedroom. Discovering myself sexually with a boy gave me more power over myself, because at the end of the day I liked men the same way I liked women. I wanted to feel as much as I could, and every inch of my sexual drive was focused on playing switch with Jake. It wouldn’t be until 4 years later that I’d actually admit to myself, without the sting of hate, that I liked girls. Sophomore year of college has just begun, and I can’t even believe that I’m not a freshman anymore. Time has flown and trials with it. After just ending a very toxic and devastating relationship with an older dominant, I was ready to explore who I was. I felt like somewhere over the time I lost track of the independent sexual side of me and fell victim to the “I wanna be in a relationship” side of me. In this time I craved security that I saw others have around me which led me to not really caring who that security was. I felt more trapped in my “secure” relationship that ever in my life, the hate and insecurity in myself only grew and made life harder. So, after being free from this relationship I was ready to get back to living by my terms. Whatever that meant for myself I would do what made me happy, unapologetically. Still somewhat disgusted at the person I’d hidden away for so long, I was tired of hiding myself. It was more exhausting than anything, so I started investigating. I started to indulge in queer media and collectives. I wanted to see what that life was like beyond sexual hunger, I wanted to see if it really was this big, huge change in myself that I dreaded. Over months and months, I pushed the envelope everyday with myself to see how far I’d go. In the beginning I questioned if this was even who I actually was; was it a phase I’d grow out of and dwell on later, or was this actually me deep down, who I’ve always been for years? This question plagued me for months, as I tried to distinguish reality from break-up after math, I wanted to make sure I was right before letting anyone else know. I didn’t want to go back on it because to me at the time, once I crossed that bridge there was no going back. It would be detrimental for my family of the southern Baptist church, it could hurt my friendships maybe all of them, and it could leave me in the same scared and alone place I was in elementary school. I was now at a point in my life where the real question was no longer unavoidable. “What was really holding me back?” I thought I already held the answer to this question so to ask myself this as a young adult was confusing and troubling. My whole identity began to shift as I began to become more comfortable with asking myself this. I began to feel more comfortable with the alternative reality day by day, every day becoming more okay with rediscovering myself and therein more willing to put in the work. This question raised many possible answers as to what was holding me back but only one that undeniably was the source. I could place blame on all of the people in my life that made fun of me and the insecurity in myself throughout my life, but as I saw it, that was my own internal self confidence that could be repaired. The actual source was something so instilled in me that even myself, no matter how confident or how secure in myself I was, could not accept that I liked girls. It all dwindled down to my relationship with God, my southern Baptists religion. Looking back, I realized I had been questioning my devotion to Christianity even long before I was questioning my sexuality. In attendance at my southern Baptists school even, I had lengthy conversations with one of the more well-rounded educators about how my relationship with God was. In his words “I was swimming on the outskirts of the tide in the water, and God was telling me to come back in, to follow the path. I would keep swimming and keep asking “how long until I actually have to come in?”, forever pushing my limit with God and my sins. My sins in this situation were my true nature, who I wanted to be in my life, and in the grand scheme of things I had to let go of myself in order to be saved by God. This already unstable relationship with my religion and divide in myself was the source of holding me back. At this point years later, I wasn’t afraid to keep swimming and let go of the safety net, I was ready to swim alone and face the new to discover myself and my world, without the shame of God. I was ready to let go of God. To make sure all of t’s were crossed and my i’s were dotted, I did more digging to make sure, it wasn’t just my sexuality pulling me away from God. Writing this now, I realize how much time and effort I took to make such a big decision. It wasn’t an overnight thing, it took months of questioning and meditating to discover a truth for myself. I had some questions about the religion itself that had always bugged me, such as why did the bible say wives should be submissive to their husband’s command? I didn’t agree with that. Why did some things in the bible contradict other things said? Why this, why that, what about this theory. I called churches and spoke to ministers, I read texts and theories, I questioned my dad, the most devout Christian I knew, and even my mom, a rather loose Christian. I plunged into investigating my belief system and knowing it like the back of my hand before cutting it off. As I hung up the phone with a pastor from a local non-denominational church, I realized it deep down. It all hit me at once the truth I had been searching for was radiating in me like life radiates through our blood. I was not a Christian, I did not share the faith nor beliefs of the Christian religion, my relationship with the creator was not what it should have been and to tie everything together, I realized I should not be afraid of myself for my creator, because my creator created me to be me. It was ultimately unfair and unethical for me to remain a Christian. Inside I felt all that time I spent calling out to God for answers and help, I was looking in the wrong place. This is where I started discovering spirituality. Spirituality allowed me to freely discover who I was in a loving and non-shameful light. It allowed me to love myself devotedly and not be afraid, I found a home with myself and my new religion which felt much more at home and secure than being a Christian. I finally felt like I aligned with my beliefs, like I had a spiritual home I’d been searching for my entire life. I finally felt safe in my own soul. So, to answer the question: Am I going to hell because I want to cum? No, I am not. I am not going to hell because I simply do not believe in hell anymore. I believe in the everlasting flow of energy, that we neither die nor are created we flow through the universe as energy experiencing everything we can in lifetimes. And if at the end of the day I’m wrong and there is a Christian God, the God I believe in would not judge me nor hate me for who I am and having the courage to abandon my safety net to discover myself. The spirit is an innate part of ourselves the same as our body and mind, to neglect one is to neglect all. I was neglecting my spirit by trying to follow the beating drum, which led to harm in my mind and body. Now I feel secure in my spirit, secure in my body, and somewhat secure in my mind because who is ever really secure in the mind for real. This realization and journey took 19 years of my life to somewhat conclude, even now my journey is still continuing but my map is revealing itself and I’m much happier and content with my path. I am who I am, that isn’t going to change, but how I love myself, how I fight for myself, that is something I take day by day. I battled myself for far too long and let everyone win except me, the next battle is protecting myself. Speaking out and defending who I am is how I show myself love in all forms. I am protecting the little girl who was made fun of on the playground and called herself disgusting for so long, she is who I love and protect. This is my life, this is my limited time in this lifetime, I choose how I spend that time and what I believe during it.